mmmmm walking through fire 24/7

Hi all,

Jed's radiation didn't go well today and we both landed up crying. I really felt like running away today... It took over an hour to calm him and the waiting room was full of people waiting to go in for their treatment. Jed did not want to co-operate and was complaining that his head was sore. I'm not actually sure if it did hurt or he was just delaying the process.

His temper is also getting really out of control. He seems to shout and scream all day long, it is very frustrating as I have been spoilt for the last 4 years with a sweet, gentle and very calm little guy. He has always been full of energy and a little mmm naughty but now he seems aggressive and I am not coping very well with the constant outbursts. I am going to see the counsellor early next week as I need to start play therapy with him. He made a comment on the way to radiation which I believe might have set us both off.

Jed: "mama I'm sick"
Mom: "no you are not, we go for scanning (radiation) to kill the ballies (tumor) in your head"
Jed: "and then they will pick (operate) me again"
Mom: "no baby, dad and mom said no more picking so that is why we do scanning now"
Jed: "thank you mama, will the Ben 10 lights kill the ballies mom"
Mom: "yes baby, yes they will"

Then I thought about how dam unfair this all was, 2 9 hour operations, chemo, radiation, headaches, frustration, it just seems just too much for a little beautiful boy to deal with. I sometimes can't understand why this has happened and I look for reasons all the time. Jed is my whole world, he is my sunrise and my sunset, he sleeps on my pillow every night and if I can't feel his little feet kick my ribs throughout the night I can't sleep! Why would this happen to my baby! This is how I am feeling today and although I s try sound positive, today isn't a good day for me and I'm sharing this with you coz I believe that I too need some prayers! I can deal with the fact that I don't have my little home, my veggie garden, my job, my friends (living in isolation), my precious boyfriend whom I miss all the time but what I can't deal with and will never be able to handle is the thought that these ballies are not being killed by the Ben10 lights! God Please!

With love
Bon
PS: Jordan will start radiation tomorrow, please include Michelle and Jordi in your prayers!