I lost it today

14th April 2009

Hi,

I went mad today, knew the day would come again eventually.... actually started on Monday morning and manifested into full blown madness this morning.... went through to Ray's room and told him I was in no condition to take Jed to the Gen and then went off for a drive. Thought about suicide a bit then realised that the immodium, Buscopan and 5 multi-vitamins (all I had) would not do the job... madness I tell you!!! Went off and had a lonely wimpy coffee and made an appointment to see the shrink, time to re-visit anti-depressants! After, the pity party I went to visit Jordi and his mom. That really did me the world of good, Michelle is so positive and watching Jordi's progress gives me so much hope. Michelle and I spoke about our faith and how we needed to stay strong. She gave me a much needed hug... only a mommy going through something similar can understand this crazy moment.

Jed's blood tests improved. Ray phoned me with the results 12.1 for Red, 3 for white and 156 for platelets... Our next blood test is on Monday next week. This is wonderful news. Although the transfusion was on Thursday - I believe the blood test results are positive sign that his body is starting to come right after the strong chemo. Ray is a fantastic daddy for taking control today!

Sometimes you hear people say and I've heard it more than once lately, "this journey you are on with Jed will be understood later on in your life. Although what you face daily is very difficult, at some point you will understand the reason."

Mmmmm. Yes, I have learnt from this experience; I have learnt to beg God on my knees; I have learnt to put my pride in my pocket and ask for help; I understand madness (first hand); I have learnt what it feels like to be extremely lonely in isolation; I have learnt what petrified really feels like; and yes, I have learnt the VALUE OF LIFE and real friendship. I have learnt that strangers can be so kind, that hugs in my personal space can be wonderful (anyone who really knows me will understand that one).

I look at what is really important - sorting the junk (some people included) from the real issues at hand. Every single minute of my day is a privilege, I don't wish the day or week away anymore, the time seems to always be going too quickly lately. My hope for you as you read my sorry--ass pages is that you breathe in life fully, you relax more, you play more and cherish your moments.....Do you really know how blessed you are to feel safe, even when your life isn't flowing perfectly at all times? That in itself is your blessing! This isn't a practice run this is the ONLY life we have.

I would always give the "lady with the kid" (ja, that one) at the traffic light, money, or bread or whatever I had at hand. I would look at her with the pity I see when people look at my son now, and I would think how cruel life can be. When I look at her now, I think how lucky she really is..... how blessed she is, how beautiful her mismatched child is and how healthy that dirty little face is,.... seriously, that is how I see it now. Don't get me wrong, I still give to her but I see her in a whole new light now! DHL was my life, I loved (almost) every single day at work and I always felt so blessed and lucky to have such an awesome job. (Jed still believes every yellow DHL Van is mommy's!!!) Now I look at "lady with the kid" and I think how blessed and how lucky she is...

We continue to ask God for Divine intervention and protection for my precious Jed, Jordi (spine cancer), Gilbert (kidney cancer), Lisa (Leukemia), Lewis (cancer), Bob (cancer) and the "lady with the kid!"

Attached is Jed, looking like a little angel, finally he can shower and wet his whole head... the radiation section is peeling but it has healed nicely!

I'm staying at the gwans until my madness improves - already missing my darling boy and it's been only a couple of hours!

Love
Bon x x